Hey Parent, Want to hear something interesting?
Hey Parent!
Join my at 12 noon cst tomorrow to hear part of my story and why I am so passionate about supporting you as a parent.
I will tell you a little about how I came to be and the struggles I faced as the child of struggling parents and my own parenting struggles related to my attachment and trauma experience.
Then I will hold space for you to ask questions or share some of the hard struggles you are having as a parent.
Click Here to see a video of me talking about it.
This will be a Facebook Live, so please keep in mind there is no way to limit confidentiality.
To join me, hop on over to my Facebook Page by clicking the link below! I hope to see you soon!
Dayna
Let's Normalize Big Emotions
What I am about to say, I am saying to myself as much as you because I am on this parenting journey alongside you!
Want to learn how to Stop the cycle of disruption when your kid is overreacting.
First, start noticing more when you are overreacting.
Normalize that everyone has big feelings sometimes.
Life happens!
You react to what’s happening around you. Sometimes your reactions are bigger than what they seem they should be. And so the same is true for your kids.
Sometimes your tolerance level is small or non-existent. This may look like snapping at people, yelling at people, avoiding people, exploding, having a temper tantrum or meltdown. Guess what?! Your kid’s tolerance level is smaller at times too.
You cannot stop life from happening around you or around your kids.
But you can begin to pay attention to your reactions and listen to what your body is telling you; and by doing this, you can teach your children to do the same. It’s when you start paying attention to the signs leading up to and through the dysregulation that you can begin changing those patterns and maintaining a connection instead of rupturing your relationships.
And when you overreact, normalize owning it and apologizing to your loved ones. That’s when you begin to give permission to having big feelings and being human while repairing any damage caused.
Want to see a video of me talking about this? Click this link to subscribe to my Becoming a Connected Parent Newsletter and watch the video.
Email me at dayna@daynasykeslpc.com to connect.
Dayna
Why I Care About You...
What you don’t know about me is that I became a therapist because of my own early experiences of being in a therapy room with a therapist who did not have the skills to connect with me and did not understand how much I needed to share my story.
I remember sitting quietly, being filled with fear, knowing this therapist did not get ME. Neither did they seem to understand how terrified I was to talk.
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I remember this person sitting at their brown desk, placed between us like a wall, writing notes while I sat there on the other side completely unable to speak. The story it seemed this person was telling himself was that I was just another teenager who was being defiant and refusing to talk.
My parents were just outside the door. The very parents who were the cause of my being in that seat. The very parents who refused to tell the story that was evolving in our family.
I was a “problem”.
Because of these multiple experiences of not getting my needs met by therapists and needing so desperately for someone to see the truth, I focused on becoming the type of therapist I needed and continued to search for.
I continue to hear so many stories just like mine from clients who sit in my office on that first day and share with me how hard it has been to find someone to truly help them.
This work is more than a job to me. It is a passion to provide services that will give healing to individuals and families. A passion to help parents learn more effective ways to relate and build connections with their children, even during the hard moments. A passion to support children, teens, and adults in changing the narrative of their story so they are able to live a happier, more successful life.
I want to hear what your journey has looked like in seeking the right therapist.
Dayna
Resources to Keep Your Kids Busy
Hello Everyone!
I wanted to check in on you and see how you are holding up and keeping safe at home?
I'm seeing a big theme this week with families feeling overwhelmed, especially those who are trying to work from home, manage kid's school work, and manage behaviors and pure boredom.
It’s been a minute since I have posted ANYTHING, and I have taken my time to reach out during this Pandemic because quite frankly I've needed time to process all the changes myself and figure out a balance.
I have moved my practice all online right now, which is really new for me and quite taxing on my energy. Hoping that will get better as I adjust to the newness of it. Most of the sessions have gone quite well, but technology exhausts me. If you've been on my email list very long or followed me here, you can see that I go for months sometimes never connecting with you. My apologies for that, but it's quite hard for me. I am a face to face kind of gal.
Hoping being forced to use technology will help me be better at connecting with you.
With that said, I am going to be posting some resources as I find them for you on my facebook page Gordonsville Counseling & Play Therapy. So, if you don't follow me there, hop on over and connect with me. If you don't have facebook or would rather not get more social media feeds to keep up with, just comment below and I can send them to you through email.
Facebook will keep me from having to send multiple emails, which again is taxing.
Let me know if you need any specific support, and I will do my best to stay connected with you here.
All my best to you,
Dayna
P.S.
Remember that you are going to have hard days. Change is tough and we are ALL having to go through these changes. Give yourself and your family some grace when you can. We are all dealing with these changes the best we know how.
Thank YOU for Being YOU!
I want to say Thank You to this community! I would not be able to do the job I love without you.
When I went into counseling, my goal was to one day start my own practice in my community. A small rural town where there are very little resources for families. I knew I wanted to work with children in particular.
I am so blessed that God gave me the opportunity to open my practice and work with all of you. He continues to bless me as I grow in my skills and knowledge of how to best support children and their families. It is with great excitement when I meet a new child who enters my doors, and I look forward to the years to come where I will meet so many new faces and be able to face the struggles they bare.
I’ve also been giving the ability to work with teens and young adults and watching them grow and make positive changes in their lives. It’s such an amazing experience to see someone set a goal, strive for it, and reach that goal. Life does not promise us it will be easy, but we all have the ability to learn to manage the difficulties that cross our paths.
I have signs in my waiting area with pull tabs that say “You Are…. Loved…Amazing…Wonderful…Safe…Kind…Friendly…Important…Beautiful…Intelligent…Confident…”. When you walk into my doors, you are all of these things! Remember this!
May God bless you all, and may you all have a wonderful holiday season!
Dayna
Give Them a Hand to Hold
This world is a place full of comparison and everywhere you look people are faking it till they make it….or just faking it. I was thinking the other day about how no one really knows what’s going on inside a person’s life, home, mind. We see what’s on the outside. And sometimes we just see what we want to see….or on social media, what people want us to see. But what about the things that are hidden?
This is probably not going where you think I’m leading you….
You see, children are the same. Many people see a child based on their outside appearance, their behavior. Often times, they get dismissed by their actions, especially what is seen as “bad”. They become “bad” in your image. They have “bad behavior”, “bad attitude”. Parents start wondering why their child acts this way. Teachers start losing hope that they can teach this child. The community judges and starts advising on what should happen to or for that child. They become singled out in class. Friends quit being friends. Parents give up hope. And the problem grows.
We are missing something…
We are forgetting to look carefully and SEE what’s happening inside. I strongly believe that children are good. They are born with amazing personalities, each individually. They are talented in unique ways. They are made to be loved and respected, and they are made to be safe and protected by their families. They are ALL GOOD!
Not all children are raised equally. They are not all blessed to have safe homes. They are not all raised with the same opportunities. It’s our job as a community to seek what a child is like from the inside. It’s our job as a community to be knowledgeable that not every child enters the classroom with all their needs met, so therefore, they are not going to be as approachable or attentive as a child who has all their needs met. Not all children have grown up in safety and security in their homes or communities. When this is known by the parent, caregiver, family, or other community partner, extra steps should be made to offer safety and security within that relationship.
We must take the responsibility to seek what’s on the inside and develop a relationship with that child to meet those needs that go unmet. Maybe it’s encouragement, love, safety. Maybe it’s a person to laugh with, play with, share their secrets with. Maybe it’s food and shelter.
When you see a child struggle, give them a hand to hold onto. Instill HOPE in their lives. Avoid adding to the weight of their burdens by ignoring them or isolating them. Instead of calling them out and causing potential humiliation, reach out in a loving and understanding way.
All children deserve goodness and mercy, love and patience, safety and security. Give them a hand to hold and hold on tight.
That’s what I’m doing every day I work with a child or take time out of my day to reach out to a child.
Will you join me?
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Dayna
Information about Depression and Your T(w)een
Statistics
Did you know that only 30% of Teens and Tweens who are depressed are actually getting treatment?
Did you also know that Teen Depression continues to rise every single year?
Each day in our nation, there are an average of over 3,041 attempts by young people grades 9-12.
AND 4 out of 5 teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs!
With depression on the rise that means the Teen Suicide rate is on the rise.
Many teens do not get treatment until they become actively suicidal. This means they are making comments to someone about their thoughts and plans to kill themselves, or they have already made an unsuccessful attempt to suicide aka take their own life before their parents seek treatment.
How Do we Stop This Trend?
Become more knowledgeable about depression in our teens and tweens and create less Stigma around getting treatment!!!!
Start Here
Complete this survey (it's very quick) to help me understand what you need more information about.
From your answers, I will gather information to create more education for YOU.
I will be able to provide future workshops to present in our community and resources to better help you and your Teens/Tweens.
You can also LEAVE A COMMENT and ask any questions you may have about Depression.
ALSO…
There are only 3 Spots open in my Teen Girls Group. Click Here to sign your teen up!
AND IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY
Click Here to receive my free email series on Connecting with Your Teen.
Thanks for your help!
Talk to you soon,
Dayna
Why Valentine's Day is Not My Favorite "Holiday"
Happy Valentine’s Day
Why Valentine’s Day is NOT my Favorite “Holiday”…
Today people are showering loved ones with gifts and spending outrageous amounts of $$$$ to impress their significant other or to win someone’s love.
People are on Instagram sharing pictures of their gifts and praising their partner for all their loving actions today. Others are avoiding Instagram because they don’t want to see all your extravagant romantic gifts while they sit home bingeing on Netflix eating a tub of Icecream.
Children are receiving life size balloons and oversized stuffed animals at school.
Girls are creating extremely high expectations about what this day means.
Guys are stressing that their friends are going to outdo them in their romantic gestures.
Valentine’s Day is not my favorite day…
Now I know some of you may be thinking…”Wow, she’s really losing it. Her husband must not do a very good job with this day.”
That’s exactly the opposite. My husband is always good at giving gifts on holidays. I stink at it though. But that’s not why I turn my nose up at it.
I do not want outrageous romantic gestures. I just want to not have to cook dinner or to come home to a house where no one left their dishes laying around. Just once...
I’m not big about over the top days. We need loving gestures daily. We need to feel loved daily.
I see children who get these gigantic gifts that they pick up at school and feel so loved by their parents in that moment, but then they go home to silence or yelling and screaming.
I’ve sent things to school in the past for my child, but then I watched other children waiting anxiously and excitedly to see if their parents loved them enough to send something to school. Because you know those kids that got gifts had to be loved by their parents the most! It broke my heart.
I then began teaching my children that Valentine’s Day is just another day to show love to others. I want to teach them to love every day. I want them to feel loved and give love every single day.
My son may grow up to meet a girl who despises the way he is being taught to treat this day, but we will deal with that when it comes.
I see couples go above and beyond on V-day, but then every other day of the year one or both feels unloved and unappreciated.
If you go all out on Valentine’s Day, good for you! If you love Valentine’s Day and all the mushy gushy stuff that goes with it---GREAT!
But, remember to love one another EVERY DAY. Don’t just save it for this day. Take time for each other throughout the year, months, weeks, days. Surprise your loved ones with gifts throughout the year, when they least expect it. Show your children what love is by your example.
And tell them you love them
E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E D-A-Y!!!
Want to celebrate this holiday without all the hype?
Here’s some easy ways to make this day special without all the pressure and comparison:
Create a special dinner together. Maybe make some of everyone’s favorites!
Make a special dessert.
Share with each other 1 thing you love.
Make handmade gifts
Do something for yourself today to love on yourself and build yourself up
Brighten someone else’s day with a phone call or a card to tell them you are thinking about them.
Leave me a comment and tell me do you love this day or hate it?
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Dayna
3 Things You are Teaching Your Children by Making Time for YOU
Let me tell you a story…
Picture Yourself…
You are in the middle of running up your checkbook...taking a cat nap, resting after not sleeping the night before...folding laundry…
Your child comes in begging you to play a game with him...paint her nails…order that hoodie you’ve been talking about.
You say “I’m busy right now”...
They begin to tell you how mean you are and how you never do anything for them.
They cry or throw a tantrum and say you don’t love them.
You feel hurt and sad that they would say these things.
You immediately get upset.
You eventually give in.
You play a game with your child and then stress about how you were unable to finish working on the bills or maybe you feel resentful that you never get a minute to yourself and you are soooo tired.
Day after day you find yourself feeling unappreciated and that no one is considerate of what you need.
And All YOU need is…
5 minutes alone in the bathroom!
To be able to pee in peace!
To eat a brownie all by yourself so you can oh and ah over it with no judgement!
To sing as loud as you want
To dance 90’s style without someone telling you to stop
To talk to adults about adult things without filtering it or using code words
To hear total silence for 60 solid seconds...
What Your Child/Teen Needs…
To learn how to be considerate of others
To learn to entertain themselves
To learn the world does not revolve around them
To learn that they won’t die if they don’t have someone entertaining them at all times.
Mama! It is not your job to make sure your child or teen is happy 100%!!!!!!!
In fact, you are doing them a disservice if you create an atmosphere where they expect to be happy 100%!
Your child/teen needs to learn how to manage boredom or loneliness and find ways to soothe and entertain themselves.
One day they will be all grown up, and they will find a time where they are all alone and they won’t be able to deal. They won’t understand that no one has time to entertain them. They won’t know what to do with downtime because they are so used to being entertained and provided for during the day as they grow up and they expect that life is that way. They won’t be able to cope with times that are not as fun and happy. And let’s face it, life is not unicorns and rainbows! It gets real and it gets hard ALOT.
They will be very disappointed…
Shocked…
Overwhelmed…
And they won’t have the tools to deal with this.
They will be anxious or depressed because they don’t realize that lonely isn’t always a bad thing and quiet is nurturing too.
Train your children to handle moments when you are tired…
Need alone time…
Sick…
Need adult conversation…
Teach them to find activities they like to do on their own.
Teach them how to enjoy downtime too.
With younger children, you can model this by setting a timer and giving them an activity to do while you are doing an activity on your own. You can even have “quiet time” where mom reads her book and your child reads or looks at pictures in their book quietly.
For older kids, help them to choose from a couple of activities they enjoy doing. And if they choose instead to throw a fit or pout, simply direct them to choose that option where you don’t have to look at it. Because, it’s their choice to pout if they want, but you don’t have to choose to watch it.
By making time for yourself, you are teaching them:
How to be considerate of others’ time
That the world does not revolve around them 100%
How to self-regulate when they are feeling disappointed, bored, or lonely
I encourage you a lot to spend time with your children doing activities together and having family time, but you also have to make time to take care of you. Even if it’s just 5 minutes alone in the bathroom! If you are spending adequate time with your children and nurturing them through family activities and supportive conversations, then you are doing your job to provide love. But you do not have to sacrifice every moment of your day to do this. Part of your job is to train them to be productive, caring, kind, and efficient human beings. Giving them all of your attention at all times is not a realistic lesson for them to learn about life.
Tell me if you struggle in this area and 1 thing you WILL do to start taking a little time for you.
It's National Play Therapy Week
All across TN, play therapists gathered today to celebrate National Play Therapy Week!!!
That's a Wrap!!!
If you've been following me on FB, you know it's National Play Therapy Week. This week is about educating others about Play Therapy and sharing fun activities with you.
Here I shared just a little bit about what Play Therapy is.
Click Here to see a video where I share my theme for the week.
Here I shared ideas of things to do indoors because in my neck of the woods, it's been RAINY and now COLD again!
I love my job and I absolutely LOVE working with kids and adolescents! I truly believe in the power of Play Therapy and have seen how it can transform children.
Today I got to wrap up the week with a wonderfully FUN group of women who share in this passion as well. And we got to play with some playdoh too!
Here's a picture of my Playroom.
Find Some Time to Play This Weekend!!!
We are getting ready for Pizza Night with a Movie!
Have a great weekend!
Dayna
My Kids Don’t Clean Up!
Are You Raising Slobs?
I love when my house is clean and tidy. It keeps me from feeling stressed and allows me to sit down without thinking about what I should be doing instead.
But, my family is not so concerned about how the house looks.
It’s a constant warfare trying to get my kids to clean up their messes or pick up trash instead of step over it.
So, for 2019, I’ve made it their personal goals to learn not to be a slob.
Yep, this year will be the year they will learn to be more responsible and helpful.
But guess what, they will not learn it overnight. And, it’s going to take a lot of effort on my part. Gasp…
However, it’s very important to me that when they are adults, their spouses do not question their slobbish tendencies. Because guess what? That directly reflects on their parents. Yep! Guess whose responsibility it is to teach your kids how to keep things tidy and clean? Yours!
The earlier you start the better!
But you also have to stay on top of it. You cannot be lazy about this or they will be lazy. Most kids are not naturally organized and tidy, unless you’ve been working with them since they were able to clean up their first mess.
So in the art of training, I have some tips for you.
There is no right way to do this. Pick what works for you and your family.
There is a wrong way...not doing anything and just doing it all yourself.
Here are a few things I’m going to start doing right now:
#1 They are responsible for clearing the table after supper.
#2 The kids will alternate washing dishes after supper while I supervise (for a little while) to ensure they are learning the correct way to do dishes.
#3 I’m putting up signs throughout the house to remind them to :
Empty the trash before it’s overflowing!
Wash their dishes when they bring them to the sink!
Wipe the toilet seat if they sprinkle it!
#4 I used to do this one and somehow stopped: instill a 10 minute tidy up daily before bedtime.
#5 I also used to do this and quit (insert eyeroll): what gets left out, goes in a trash bag. They can a) earn it back in 24 hours or b) it gets donated.
Here are some other tips from Focus on the Family. I especially liked #1 and #6. I may import those into my plan too!
And here are some ideas for keeping up with chores that I’ve pinned over the years!
Happy Training!!!
Dayna
P.S.
Do you also struggle with a family of slobs? Let me know in the comments the 1 thing you want to teach your kids about tidyness.
What If You Are The One Name Calling?
Hey friends!
I haven't dropped in for a while! Please forgive me. I've been working on too many things. Today I was reflecting on a theme that came up last week in my practice and had some inspiration to hop on here and share with you.
Sometimes I get questioned about what a particular word means...
A lot of time it has a negative meaning...
Children and teens often know it's negative because of the tone of voice or because of the owner of those words that are spewed. But it's not until they ask what it means that they truly feel the effects of that nastiness.
This happened recently in my practice.
We teach our children not to name call. "Don't be a bully!" "Don't call people names because it's not nice." "Try to be the bigger person", we tell them.
...........BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE THE ONE DOING THE NAME-CALLING...............
Let that sink in a second..........................
What if YOU (the one telling your child not to name call) are the one name calling?
And I'm not even talking about calling people names when you don't like that person.
Nope! I'm talking about calling your child a negative name.
"You are lazy!"
"You are so dumb!"
"You are hateful and mean!"
"You are vindictive and spiteful!"
"You are such a loser!"
"You are annoying!"
"You are so ugly!"
Need I go on???
Friends, we cannot fill our children with these negative labels!!! Yes your child may act lazy some days, but don't we all feel lazy sometimes? If I was labeled as Lazy because some days I don't feel like or want to do things, I would never do anything because well "I'm Lazy, so who cares anyway?". Self-fulfilled prophecy guys! If you don't know what that means, google it!
Our children and teens already carry so much weight on their little shoulders and hear so many negative things at school, on the playground, on Netflix, Youtube..... Let us not fill their minds with negativity that comes from our mouths! We are supposed to build our babies up, not tear them down!
So what if this touches your heart, but you've already done some damage by name-calling?
Put on your big girl/boy panties and apologize to that child!
Tell them mommy/daddy is sorry for saying those things and ask them to forgive you. Tell them that some days you feel frustrated, but it's not their fault. Let them know you love them and you are going to work on how you talk to them when you feel a certain _______ (angry, frustrated, irritable).
Build that child up! Fill them with positive labels and help them overcome those times when you want to throw out a negative name for them. Take responsibility as their parent to build up their character flaws (just like you do for your own flaws) and stop name-calling and putting them down.
Name calling is bad parenting. But it's not the end all for you or your child. Just regroup and fix it. We all make mistakes in our parenting. What we do with that mistake to grow as a parent is what is important.
If you feel you have really messed up, reach out. I can give you some tips on what to say.
Leave a comment below or email me if you are too embarrassed to say it here.
Use this information to make your week great!
Talk to you soon!
Dayna
7 Fun Fall Activities
7 Fun Fall Activities
It's so important to create traditions in your family, and it's most important to have some FUN with your family!
Fun = Money
Everyone automatically goes to "We can't afford...."
Please get that thought out of your head!
Here are some FUN Fall activities your family can do for little or no cost...
Play in the Leaves!
This was a favorite of mine when growing up, and you rarely see kids doing this today.
***If you kid has allergies, this may not be a great idea***
***Also be aware of any dogs leaving surprises in your yard***
Does anyone even own a rake anymore???
Build a Fire and Roast Hotdogs and Marshmallows!
Smores are one of the BEST desserts out there, and they are SUPER EASY!!!
***Please supervise your children around fires and ensure your fire is put out***
Camp Out in Your Yard!
This could be lots of fun without having to leave your house...
If you don't own a tent, lay some blankets out and look at the stars for a while. I believe this is one we will do while we enjoy our week off.
Hayrides!
There are all kinds of functions going on this October as we near Halloween. Hayrides are one of those. If you live on a farm, you could easily throw your own hayride and invite your children's friends over for a night of fun!
Hide and Seek (in the dark)
This can be a lot of fun as the nights are getting shorter.
Go for a Hike
Go to a local park and hike for free, or if you live on a farm (like me), you can just walk around your own property and enjoy nature.
Carve Pumpkins!
This is usually a tradition in our family every year around Halloween. Sticking your hands in the gooey insides of that pumpkin and creating faces for parents to carve out. Fun! (My mom used to roast the pumpkin seeds...but not my thing!)
No matter what you do, Do Something together!
Leave a comment and tell me 1 Fun Activity you will be doing with your family this Fall!
Happy Fall Yall!
Dayna Sykes
Licensed Child & Teen Therapist
P.S. Enrollment for my Teen Girls Group will be closing next week. Only 3 Spots left! Sign up here.
My Child Is Cussing at School
So you’ve gotten the dreaded call from school….
“I need you to come into the office, so we can talk about _____’s behavior.”
“We have a problem…”
Your child has gotten angry at another student and called that student an explicit name…
You are embarrassed—angry—humiliated—scared—frustrated—(____) about walking into that school!
The use of cuss words today is common and is all around you. Some people are very obnoxious about their expression through cuss words and others attempt to be respectful of others and choose to only cuss in situations they feel are acceptable.
Children learn new words daily and their vocabulary is growing rapidly. This new vocabulary comes from parents, siblings, grandparents, peers, television, and the list goes on. They are bombarded with new words daily. Children do not usually understand what these new words are or what they mean. They may use them when they are angry because they heard someone else say the same word in a fit of rage.
So how do you nip this in the bud if your child uses foul language to express himself?
1. Recognize where they are learning this from.
Are they hearing you talk this way? If so, you may just want to rethink how you are expressing yourself in front of them as you are their primary teacher. If your child belts out a “bad” word when he drops his ice cream on the floor and his response to you when you ask where he heard that from is “You said it”-be prepared for how you react to this. If you yell at your child for using a word they are learning from you, then what are you really teaching them? Instead, let him learn to admit when he’s wrong and correct his behavior by stating
“You’re right. I did say that, but it was wrong and I shouldn’t use those words. I’m going to do better. I don’t want you using those words because they are not acceptable.” Be honest and admit when you are wrong.
2. Monitor what they are listening to and watching.
If we do not guide their little eyes and ears, no one will. The things they will learn will make lasting impressions, so give them guidance and ensure they are exposed to age appropriate television and music.
3. Do not laugh.
For some, hearing a child cuss seems funny and cute. I assure you- a child cussing is far from cute, and laughing only encourages them to continue to do it. It’s not so cute when you are getting phone calls from teachers because your child is calling them derogatory names or cussing out other students when they are angry.
4. Help them learn to express themselves with appropriate words to label how they feel.
“You are really angry. Tell me what happened before you said ____________.” Help them find more appropriate ways to label the person they may be name calling. “It hurt my feelings when……” “It made me angry when…..”.
5. Replace those bad words
Give them other options that will keep them out of trouble. Using funny words can also help to decrease the anger behind it.
6. Set boundaries with visitors.
If Uncle J comes over to watch the ball game, and he tends to get a filthy mouth when his team misses a play, then let him know in your house you would need him to watch his language. Most people are receptive of this and if not, then you may need to be choosier about who is visiting with your children.
Remember that YOU are the primary example for your child and how they handle conflict and relationships. Think about this for a minute…
*Comment below and share what you will start doing TODAY to be a better example.
Talk to You Soon,
Dayna Sykes
Licensed Child & Teen Therapist
P.S. Share this post with a friend who needs help in this area!
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Avoidance Causes You To Miss Out!
Do you ever avoid situations or people because it’s too stressful or painful to be in that experience?
Avoidance is a natural human defense mechanism, but sometimes it can be detrimental to our own growth and happiness.
Today, I was walking through our freshly cut hay-field to get a message to my husband and father-in-law. While talking to a family friend who was present, I said “I love the smell of fresh cut hay, but it does not love me.” I knew for even the maybe 5 minutes I was standing there, I was going to have some discomfort. As I walked away, I noticed itching in my legs. Then while driving away, I could feel a little discomfort in my breathing.
You see, I am a very allergic person. But I live in the country where I am exposed to all things I am allergic too. Now, I could move (but I’m pretty sure I’d have to leave my husband behind), but staying here is more beneficial to me than avoiding.
Not to mention how BEAUTIFUL it is where I live!
So what is an allergic country girl to do?
Be Aware…
If you know situations cause you discomfort (maybe it’s not an allergy but more depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, panic), be aware of those triggers. I am aware of what triggers my allergies and am prepared for the consequences of being around them.
Find the Win…
For me, I was able to see God’s beauty in this hayfield. I took a beautiful picture of it. Being outdoors is so inspiring and calming to me. It’s worth it to have the experience!
Have a Plan…
So let’s say you are going to be around family that triggers your depression or anxiety… If it’s not an unhealthy relationship, and you want a connection with that person, then have a plan of how you will combat the negative reactions your body will likely experience.
- Know your limits and have a plan of escape.
When I am around certain people from my past who tend to cause difficulty for me, I make sure I visit them instead of them visiting me. This way I can leave when I’m ready instead of having them in my home wishing they would leave already and not wanting to ask them to leave.
If your reaction is anxiety or panic, make sure you have a go-to method for calming your body and mind.
Sometimes avoidance is good when it’s too overwhelming for you to manage. But just remember, avoidance can become a very unhealthy way to cope, and you will miss out on some great life experiences and connections.
Need some assistance in creating your plan?
Click Here to Download a Free Worksheet!
Then, comment below and share with me how avoidance affects your life!
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Dayna Sykes
Licensed Child & Teen Therapist
Gordonsville Counseling & Play Therapy
P.S. If you have a teen girl who struggles with avoidance and you’ve tried everything to help her break out of this, then Empowering Teen Girls Group may be just what she needs to build her confidence, boost her ability to cope with difficult situations, and learn to connect with others in the process.
P.P.S Do you tend to walk on eggshells around your teen and avoid her throughout the day? Every effort you make causes her to lash out and become angry. Sign up for my free email course, “Learn to Connect Better with Your Teen”, and get 5 days of action steps you can take to better support and connect with your teen. Just Click Here!
3 Steps to Get Unstuck
Learn 3 steps to free yourself from feeling stuck in your circumstances.
Feeling stuck in an experience or situation can make you feel "terrified" to quote one of the teens in my group. It's a feeling that everyone experiences and because we usually don't share this feeling, it's hard to break free.
Experiences can include:
Having a job you hate
Struggling with a class you may fail
Going through separation/divorce
Losing your job
Financial Stress
Living in chaos
Fighting and arguing with a family member or friend
Here are 3 Tips to get you UNSTUCK!
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Assess how you feel
Sometimes we try to avoid our feelings because they are uncomfortable and we ignore them. That's how we get stuck feeling depressed and anxious. We try so hard to ignore it or avoid discomfort that it never goes away. Take some time to feel this feeling and assess what is causing it. But don't sit in it all day. Become aware of it and then go to the next step.
2. Change your focus
When we focus on pain for a long period of time, the pain becomes worse. Think about a dull headache you have. Sometimes you can be busy and you don't notice the headache anymore, but when someone asks you about it, there it is again. If you focus on the pain, it becomes more noticeable and even worse. So take the focus off of the stuck feeling. Don't sit around and think about it for hours or days. Find something else to do with your time. You don't want to be stuck in an endless cycle of depression or sadness. That will keep you from functioning. If you are struggling to function, try some grounding techniques.
3. Take Action
Figure out what you can take control of in your situation.
If you are living in a chaotic environment, visualize how you want your home to be and then take action steps to get there. If you are in a job you hate, set some goals and work your way out of that job. Change is hard, but change is what helps us grow and reach our goals in our lives.
One way I am learning to reach my own personal goals is to "Do it scared!" If we feel stuck because we are afraid of the outcome, we may stay stuck forever. I for one do not like that feeling.
In our group yesterday, we discussed consequences of taking action. One question I posed in group this week was "If you do _____ or say_____ will you die?" So what if you make a mistake! Life is about learning from mistakes.
What are you waiting for? Take these Steps and get out of that glue that is keeping you stuck!
If you need some more encouragement, comment below and let me know what's keeping you stuck.
Dayna
P.S.
If you have a teen who struggles with those stuck emotions or is being held back by self-doubt, then check out my Empowering Teen Girls Group.
If you are a mom feeling stuck and needing some guidance with parenting and maintaining your identify, then check out this new group.
Let Me Be Real for a Second...
Can I be real with you for a second? I have been finding it very difficult to create content for you guys. I believe it stems from feeling like I’ve been put in a box. I want to help you with your family and your children and provide practical tips and advice, but I also want to reach into the deep darkness that women experience and help you see the light at the end of that tunnel you have dug for yourself.
I, for some reason, have placed myself in this box where I have created rules that I cannot share my faith or I have to be very careful about how I share it, but in reality, it does not make sense. In my everyday life, I want to portray my faith in God and give a since of hope to others. I can only do this because God has blessed me with this ability to listen and give Godly guidance. Even though others may not see it as a godly approach, everything I do I want to come from Him and be for Him.
So when I give you support and offer advice, KNOW I am doing this from a Godly perspective. My parenting advice and experience comes from the only way I know how to parent, which is through discipline and training from scripture. Sure I have been trained in different areas and I've read lots of parenting books, and with all that knowledge, I still know that the only true successful parenting comes from God.
I’m not trying to sell you a simple guide to parenting. There are no 5 miraculous things you can do to become successful in parenting and raise a child that has no struggles.
I am trying to provide you with loving, supportive guidance that comes straight from a biblical perspective. Yes, the training and work experience help my position---But these are all things God has provided in my path that He alone is directing (when I allow it). I want to help you moms out there who are struggling with guilt, shame, feelings of loneliness. I want to reach out and help you see that there is a way to happiness and peace in your home. I want to provide a safe place for your children and teens to share their struggles and take that burden off your family when you are at the end of your rope and do not know where to turn.
My goal is also to provide a safe place for mothers of all ages and phases to be able to share those thoughts we often keep in our heads and never let see the light of day. Fears. Dreams. Anxiety. Goals. Guilt. Desires. Anger. Frustration. Shame. Doubt. Excitement.
I want to create a community where mothers can come together and feel supported and loved. Where you can gain a sense of connection and combat the isolation we experience sometimes. Even when we are surrounded by our family, it can be a lonely place. You may feel disconnected and needing female insight. Maybe you are struggling in many areas and feel you have no one to talk to because of fear of being shamed or judged.
When I became a stay at home mom, almost 8 years ago, I struggled through so many phases all alone. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. Even when you came into my home, it was clean and organized. I never shared my fears, anxiety, or struggles with anyone. This led to some serious bouts of anxiety and depression. (Do you know I almost erased that word depression?) Isn’t it so hard to share those parts of yourself with others? It wasn’t until I started taking steps to care for myself mentally, spiritually, and physically that I was able to get through the fog and see light. Now don’t get my wrong, I loved being home and taking care of my children and my family! I still do! This is why I do not work full-time hours. However, there is a loneliness that comes with being home all day every day with super tiny humans and no adults to talk to.
Before I became a stay at home mom, I was a work 60 hours a week and try to parent and take care of my home mom. I SUCKED at it! I mean majorly! My house was always a disaster. I felt guilty for always leaving my child with someone else, even though it was my mom-in-law who I know loves my children dearly. I struggled with worldly desires vs. Godly desires. I was not a patient person at home because I had given ALL my energy at work. Can you relate? That is not the life for me anymore!
I’m sharing this because I want you to know I have lived both sides of this as a mother and wife. I too continue to have struggles in my own life with managing all the demands of the many roles women play. I get it! I’ve lived it! I’m still living it daily.
If you are looking for someone to give you honest and caring guidance or for a place to connect with other women who get your struggles, then don’t wait to reach out. Let me know you are ready to get connected by responding below.
Let’s work together to connect women- moms- wives and help them see they are not alone in this Big Confusing World!!!
Have a Blessed Day!
3 Reasons Your Teenage Daughter Should Join Group
Still not sure if group is right for your teenage daughter? That's ok... It's a big decision and a commitment. Group offers so many advantages for growth.
1. It offers a place of positive support from peers who are going through the same stages your teen is experiencing.
They struggle with body image---bad attitudes about life---feel alone---won't talk to you---shy away from their friends---struggle at school---have a low self-esteem---struggle to set boundaries with others---make bad decisions--------------------I could go on...
2. They won't feel alone anymore in their problems.
Your teen may get involved and talk openly, or they may learn from hearing others' stories in the group, but one thing I do know is that they will not feel alone in their struggles.
3. They will learn to be confident in themselves.
Through the experience of group, they will learn how to take better care of themselves mentally and physically, which leads to lots of other healthy behaviors.
I hear teens and parents say:
"My daughter talks to me now!"
"I feel confident and inspired!"
"I was able to say no."
"She is happier and smiles more."
Join me in helping your teen find a healthier way to deal with life by enrolling in Empowering Teen Girls Group.
Are you ready to help her move forward?
Click here to find out how to enroll your daughter in group.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Dayna
P.S.
If you are holding back, what questions do you have? Leave a comment below and let me know.
Open Enrollment for Empowering Teen Girls Group-Only 2 Spots Available!!!
I am opening enrollment for my Empowering Teen Girls Group, and there are only 2 Spots Available...So Hurry!!!
What group members have to say about group...
"Group give me inspiration."
"Group is encouraging."
"Group helps me stay grounded."
Help your teen navigate the ups and downs of growing up by enrolling her in Empowering Teen Girls Group today!
For more information about this group, click here, or email me at daynasykes@daynasykeslpc.com.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Dayna
Ending the Homework Battle!
We are talking about "Back to School" here on the blog and I wanted to get you thinking about Homework. I know-I know- who wants to think homework before school even starts?! Right? But I guarantee your child is thinking about it and dreading it. In fact, it may be a reason your child is grumbling about the return to school.
I know for some families, homework is a time of chaos-yelling-tears-and maybe tantrums. This is one time where the whole family may complain and want to just give up on school. Let's face it, homework is not going away. In fact, it's a vital tool for your child's learning. I can't believe I'm supporting homework! It is proven that practice makes skills easier and helps your child to retain what they have learned. If they can go home and do the work, then they've gotten the hang of the new skill. So, how do we take the battle out of homework time?
Here are a few tips:
- Set a consistent time to do homework----This could be immediately after school or after a break from school. For my family, we allow some time to play and have a snack. Especially when days get shorter and the sun goes down early. Children sit most of the day at school and come home wound up with energy that needs to be used. It's ok to give them time to move. This does not mean watching tv or playing video games. Get them moving! They may even be able to focus much easier after this. Do not wait until right before bedtime to do homework!!!! Your child will be tired and this will turn into a battle!
- Have a quiet place set up for homework.---This could be a desk, kitchen table, or in their rooms. Give other siblings who may not be doing homework a busy activity so they are not bothered. Make sure there are no distractions like the tv or ipod's around for texting.
- Be around for support.---If your child needs help, how do they let you know? Do they cry out angrily "I don't understand this!!!" Let them know when to ask for help. This is such an important lesson to teach early because we all need support sometimes, and often those adults who have high stress levels are those who struggle to ask for help when needed. Teach them early how to ask for help. Walk in and check on them after about 10 minutes to make sure they don't need help and talk to them about how proud you are that they are working so hard.
- Don't lose your cool!---Homework can be stressful for parents too. When my son was in 4th grade and common core math started, I wanted to beat my head on the table. I just could not wrap my brain around the concepts he was learning. That was a long evening of googling and texting other moms for help. But I remained calm and it actually became quite funny. Don't get frustrated if you don't understand and know how to support your child. Do have some people on backup who may be able to help. Maybe dad is good at Math and mom is good at Language Arts. Take turns where your strengths lie or call a friend. And if that doesn't work, simply use your own coping skills and help them to do their best. Then, let the teacher know you are unable to help with that subject. If your child is struggling with it, make the teacher aware so they know they will have to give them some extra support to get it.
- Don't allow complaining and whining. Let your child know before school starts what your plan is to help them get homework done and make it less stressful. Set up a reward for them to get it done when asked and not whine or throw fits about it. Celebrate when they finish-look over it to ensure they did it correctly-give them some free-time and maybe a favorite treat to show them how proud you are of their effort and their attitude.
If you haven't signed up for my Back to School series, there's still time. You will receive 3 emails with tips to make this year a success! Just click here to get started!
Let us know in the comments what your homework routine looks like!
This is going to be a great year!
Dayna
P.S.
If you would like more Parenting Support, sign up here for a Parent Group. Watch this video about my goal for this group. Not sure what group is? Read here for information.