3 Things You are Teaching Your Children by Making Time for YOU

Let me tell you a story…

Picture Yourself…

You are in the middle of running up your checkbook...taking a cat nap, resting after not sleeping the night before...folding laundry…

Your child comes in begging you to play a game with him...paint her nails…order that hoodie you’ve been talking about.

You say “I’m busy right now”...

They begin to tell you how mean you are and how you never do anything for them.  

They cry or throw a tantrum and say you don’t love them.

You feel hurt and sad that they would say these things.

You immediately get upset.

You eventually give in.

You play a game with your child and then stress about how you were unable to finish working on the bills or maybe you feel resentful that you never get a minute to yourself and you are soooo tired.  

Day after day you find yourself feeling unappreciated and that no one is considerate of what you need.  

And All  YOU need is…

5 minutes alone in the bathroom!

To be able to pee in peace!

To eat a brownie all by yourself so you can oh and ah over it with no judgement!

To sing as loud as you want

To dance 90’s style without someone telling you to stop

To talk to adults about adult things without filtering it or using code words

To hear total silence for 60 solid seconds...

What Your Child/Teen Needs…

To learn how to be considerate of others

To learn to entertain themselves

To learn the world does not revolve around them

To learn that they won’t die if they don’t have someone entertaining them at all times.

Mama!  It is not your job to make sure your child or teen is happy 100%!!!!!!!

In  fact, you are doing them a disservice if you create an atmosphere where they expect to be happy 100%!

Your child/teen needs to learn how to manage boredom or loneliness and find ways to soothe and entertain themselves.  

One day they will be all grown up, and they will find a time where they are all alone and they won’t be able to deal.  They won’t understand that no one has time to entertain them. They won’t know what to do with downtime because they are so used to being entertained and provided for during the day as they grow up and they expect that life is that way.  They won’t be able to cope with times that are not as fun and happy. And let’s face it, life is not unicorns and rainbows! It gets real and it gets hard ALOT.

They will be very disappointed…

Shocked…

Overwhelmed…

And they won’t have the tools to deal with this.  

They will be anxious or depressed because they don’t realize that lonely isn’t always a bad thing and quiet is nurturing too.  

Train your children to handle moments when you are tired…

Need alone time…

Sick…

Need adult conversation…

Teach them to find activities they like to do on their own.

Teach them how to enjoy downtime too.

With younger children, you can model this by setting a timer and giving them an activity to do while you are doing an activity on your own.  You can even have “quiet time” where mom reads her book and your child reads or looks at pictures in their book quietly.

For older kids, help them to choose from a couple of activities they enjoy doing.  And if they choose instead to throw a fit or pout, simply direct them to choose that option where you don’t have to look at it.  Because, it’s their choice to pout if they want, but you don’t have to choose to watch it.

By making time for yourself, you are teaching them:

1. How to be considerate of others’ time

2. That the world does not revolve around them 100%

3. How to self-regulate when they are feeling disappointed, bored, or lonely

I encourage you a lot to spend time with your children doing activities together and having family time, but you also have to make time to take care of you.  Even if it’s just 5 minutes alone in the bathroom! If you are spending adequate time with your children and nurturing them through family activities and supportive conversations, then you are doing your job to provide love.  But you do not have to sacrifice every moment of your day to do this. Part of your job is to train them to be productive, caring, kind, and efficient human beings. Giving them all of your attention at all times is not a realistic lesson for them to learn about life.  

Tell me if you struggle in this area and 1 thing you WILL do to start taking a little time for you.  

3 Steps to Get Unstuck

Feeling stuck in an experience or situation can make you feel "terrified" to quote one of the teens in my group.  It's a feeling that everyone experiences and because we usually don't share this feeling, it's hard to break free. Experiences can include:

Having a job you hate

Struggling with a class you may fail

Going through separation/divorce

Losing your job

Financial Stress

Living in chaos

Fighting and arguing with a family member or friend

Here are 3 Tips to get you UNSTUCK!

1. Assess how you feel

Sometimes we try to avoid our feelings because they are uncomfortable and we ignore them.  That's how we get stuck feeling depressed and anxious.  We try so hard to ignore it or avoid discomfort that it never goes away.  Take some time to feel this feeling and assess what is causing it.  But don't sit in it all day.  Become aware of it and then go to the next step.

2. Change your focus

When we focus on pain for a long period of time, the pain becomes worse.  Think about a dull headache you have.  Sometimes you can be busy and you don't notice the headache anymore, but when someone asks you about it, there it is again.  If you focus on the pain, it becomes more noticeable and even worse.  So take the focus off of the stuck feeling.  Don't sit around and think about it for hours or days.  Find something else to do with your time.  You don't want to be stuck in an endless cycle of depression or sadness.  That will keep you from functioning. If you are struggling to function, try some grounding techniques.

3. Take Action

Figure out what you can take control of in your situation.

If you are living in a chaotic environment, visualize how you want your home to be and then take action steps to get there.  If you are in a job you hate, set some goals and work your way out of that job.  Change is hard, but change is what helps us grow and reach our goals in our lives.

One way I am learning to reach my own personal goals is to "Do it scared!"  If we feel stuck because we are afraid of the outcome, we may stay stuck forever.  I for one do not like that feeling.

In our group yesterday, we discussed consequences of taking action.  One question I posed in group this week was "If you do _____ or say_____ will you die?"  So what if you make a mistake!  Life is about learning from mistakes.

What are you waiting for?  Take these Steps and get out of that glue that is keeping you stuck!

If you need some more encouragement, comment below and let me know what's keeping you stuck.

Dayna

P.S.

If you have a teen who struggles with those stuck emotions or is being held back by self-doubt, then check out my Empowering Teen Girls Group.

If you are a mom feeling stuck and needing some guidance with parenting and maintaining your identify, then check out this new group.

Let Me Be Real for a Second...

Can I be real with you for a second? I have been finding it very difficult to create content for you guys.  I believe it stems from feeling like I’ve been put in a box.  I want to help you with your family and your children and provide practical tips and advice, but I also want to reach into the deep darkness that women experience and help you see the light at the end of that tunnel you have dug for yourself.

I, for some reason, have placed myself in this box where I have created rules that I cannot share my faith or I have to be very careful about how I share it, but in reality, it does not make sense.  In my everyday life, I want to portray my faith in God and give a since of hope to others.  I can only do this because God has blessed me with this ability to listen and give Godly guidance.  Even though others may not see it as a godly approach, everything I do I want to come from Him and be for Him.

So when I give you support and offer advice, KNOW I am doing this from a Godly perspective.  My parenting advice and experience comes from the only way I know how to parent, which is through discipline and training from scripture.  Sure I have been trained in different areas and I've read lots of parenting books, and with all that knowledge, I still know that the only true successful parenting comes from God.

I’m not trying to sell you a simple guide to parenting.  There are no 5 miraculous things you can do to become successful in parenting and raise a child that has no struggles.

I am trying to provide you with loving, supportive guidance that comes straight from a biblical perspective.  Yes, the training and work experience help my position---But these are all things God has provided in my path that He alone is directing (when I allow it).  I want to help you moms out there who are struggling with guilt, shame, feelings of loneliness.  I want to reach out and help you see that there is a way to happiness and peace in your home.  I want to provide a safe place for your children and teens to share their struggles and take that burden off your family when you are at the end of your rope and do not know where to turn.

My goal is also to provide a safe place for mothers of all ages and phases to be able to share those thoughts we often keep in our heads and never let see the light of day.  Fears. Dreams. Anxiety. Goals. Guilt. Desires. Anger. Frustration. Shame. Doubt. Excitement.

I want to create a community where mothers can come together and feel supported and loved.  Where you can gain a sense of connection and combat the isolation we experience sometimes. Even when we are surrounded by our family, it can be a lonely place.  You may feel disconnected and needing female insight.  Maybe you are struggling in many areas and feel you have no one to talk to because of fear of being shamed or judged.

When I became a stay at home mom, almost 8 years ago, I struggled through so many phases all alone.  On the outside, it looked like I had it all together.  Even when you came into my home, it was clean and organized.  I never shared my fears, anxiety, or struggles with anyone.  This led to some serious bouts of anxiety and depression.  (Do you know I almost erased that word depression?)  Isn’t it so hard to share those parts of yourself with others?  It wasn’t until I started taking steps to care for myself mentally, spiritually, and physically that I was able to get through the fog and see light.  Now don’t get my wrong, I loved being home and taking care of my children and my family!  I still do!  This is why I do not work full-time hours.  However, there is a loneliness that comes with being home all day every day with super tiny humans and no adults to talk to.

Before I became a stay at home mom, I was a work 60 hours a week and try to parent and take care of my home mom.  I SUCKED at it!  I mean majorly!  My house was always a disaster.  I felt guilty for always leaving my child with someone else, even though it was my mom-in-law who I know loves my children dearly.  I struggled with worldly desires vs. Godly desires.  I was not a patient person at home because I had given ALL my energy at work.  Can you relate?  That is not the life for me anymore!

I’m sharing this because I want you to know I have lived both sides of this as a mother and wife.  I too continue to have struggles in my own life with managing all the demands of the many roles women play.  I get it!  I’ve lived it!  I’m still living it daily.

If you are looking for someone to give you honest and caring guidance or for a place to connect with other women who get your struggles, then don’t wait to reach out.  Let me know you are ready to get connected by responding below.

Let’s work together to connect women- moms- wives and help them see they are not alone in this Big Confusing World!!!

Have a Blessed Day!