ARE WE OVERDIAGNOSING???
One of the biggest challenges I find in my career is the pressure to diagnose children. With the added pressure of billing to insurance companies and customers wanting an answer to “Why does my child act like this?”, professionals are often pushed into slapping a label on you. Is it ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Oppositional Defiance……..? The list can go on.
This has always been a struggle for me. Not that I’m not prepared to handle diagnosing or know symptoms to treat. It’s that label. It sticks around. It’s often used to excuse behavior rather than change it. It can leave an impression on a child that “something is wrong with me”. And the biggest issue I have, a lot of times nothing is wrong with your child. They are developmentally where they should be. Yes, I said it. They are normal. They are reacting to the stressful events that are occurring all around them.
Let’s look at society today just to make an example here. Have you ever noticed how high anxiety and depression rates are in adults? How many people are on antidepressants to treat both issues? Do you feel life is stressful and over-scheduled? Feel like there is constantly something pulling you in a different direction, running from place to place, never ahead of schedule? Our children are right along with us. And not only can they feel the same way we are feeling, they can’t think through it the way we do. They can’t tell themselves, “this is only a season”, “things will be better after this week is over”, “vacation is just a week away”, or “I will just take a whole week off next month and reboot”. Nope. They are expected to be miniature adults who go with the flow!
When I was growing up, I remember being home most of the time. I played outside every day. I had a very active imagination. It was safe enough for me to roam around our neighborhood unsupervised, ride my bike all around the circle or the subdivision we lived in. Everyone knew who I was and we knew all our neighbors. I walked down the road to a small country store and bought honey buns for breakfast along with a papersack full of 5 and 10 cent candy and gum. We would walk down to the creek and swim. I road my bike to friend’s houses. We didn’t have a lot when I was growing up, but I had no idea until I was older and more mature. I never felt I was lacking as far as material things.
What about today? Kids are being showered with toys and candy every time they go somewhere just for being good in the store or to keep them quiet. They rarely play outside. They are watching shows that are developmentally more advanced than their little minds are. Their face is glued to an electronic device of some sort daily. They expect things to be given to them versus earning it through work (chores, helping a neighbor, etc). And need I say it, many parents have no set rules in the home or little structure for their children to know what is expected of them.
That in turn leaves us with children who have little tolerance for idle time. They are easily bored and can’t sit still and be quiet because they are used to constant entertainment of some sort. Their imagination is lacking. They have no patience and struggle to wait for reward because they are so used to immediate gratification. They are disrespectful not only to their “elders” (as we were always taught to respect our elders) and struggle with authority figures. They are constantly being reprimanded at school. (I won’t even get started on how the school system’s changes may be negatively affecting this too. That’s a post in itself.)
Then parents take them to a professional and explain that something is wrong with this child. He is always in trouble. He can’t sit still. She talks back all the time. I can’t get him to listen! The parent throws out ideas of ADHD… A doctor has maybe even suggested Oppositional Defiance. And then……a diagnosis is slapped on their head for the rest of their life. Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes these diagnoses are accurate and helpful (sometimes…), but many times the child is overstimulated, overly attended to, and lacking some parental guidance. So, how do you treat that?
I would like to continue this with a series of parenting tips to help you make some changes where you see the need. Join me in the next few posts and share with me areas you struggle with the most as a parent.
MY WORDS OF ADVICE ON DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR TEEN
I’ve been doing LOTS of work with teens these past 2 years in my practice. Prior to that I worked with teens, but this time around is different. I get to see them for who they are. I get their trust and their innermost fears, desires, and regrets. I am blessed to be doing what I love and helping these young people.
My problem is, I am seeing that as a society, we are failing these young people. We have created a world (with our high tech gadgets, impersonal social society, distant relationships with God if you even believe in God, sex crazed media, and poor values) that is difficult to maneuver for immature minds and fiercely hormonal bodies. We have very high expectations for them with little back up to support them.
I have parents come to me crying and worrying their girls are going to become pregnant or engage in sex. The sad thing is that I see kids who are so mixed up in their beliefs because of what they see in the world. How can we ensure what we are teaching them about sex is what they understand when that is all they see around them? Have you seen some of the television shows geared towards this age group? Seriously, have you? If you aren’t watching what your teens are watching, I advise you to check it out. And yes, these shows are on Channels like Nickelodeon. Networks devoted toward children and teens are airing shows that, if you have Christian values in your home, you better be monitoring that TV.
Another question I often get from parents is how their child can say they are “bisexual”. I’m seeing this become a trend with young people. They are confused about their feelings for their best friends. Friends that are the same sex. Yes, they still like the opposite sex, but now they think they like the same sex too. I find myself pondering on this dilemma often because it’s becoming more and more prevalent. Most of the young people I see this in are struggling to find love from anyone. They’ve been hurt by people who should love them the most, and they seek affection anywhere they can find it. And again, I’m seeing that this world is gearing people towards acceptance of this type of culture. Where in the past, it was an abomination to be “gay” and no one talked about it, and now that’s all you hear about. People are on television portraying same sex relationships on almost every show, female artists are singing about how they “kissed and girl” and liked it. And here we are wondering why our teens are becoming so confused about their sexuality. So my second piece of advice is: keep monitoring that TV but you also need to monitor their music. Music is a necessity, I believe, for most teens. It is how they relate to themselves and the world around them. However, if they are listening to music that sounds good to them but the lyrics are conflicting with what you teach them, that is an equation for disaster.
Finally, let’s talk about how you as the parent/guardian can support them. Young people often hide things from their parents for fear of getting into trouble. We tell them to talk to us about what’s going on in their lives or to talk to us (parents) when they are confused about things they want or are being pressured to do. However, when they come to us with this information as we have encouraged them to do, we then begin lecturing them and badgering them to tell us everything. Sometimes consequences are administered to prevent them from continuing to do something deemed inappropriate or to prevent them from engaging in something they are thinking about. So in their minds, they are being punished for doing exactly what we want them to do, which is to come to us with their problems. I believe some parents wonder why their children come to me with honesty but won’t tell them anything. It’s because they know I am not going to judge them and I’m not going to lecture them. That isn’t to say I haven’t responded in this way before, but if I do, you can believe they are going to shut down. So my advice to you is to give them guidance, but also you need to LISTEN to them. Listen to their fears, their conflict, their ideas about the issue. Many teens know the right thing to do, but they need to talk it out with someone to ensure they know what the right thing is. At times, they aren’t planning to do what you think they are, some of them are very wise, but they need to talk about it. You can react negatively to this, and a teen who was not planning to act on their thoughts will as an act of defiance because you didn’t trust them. I’ve seen this happen. Listen to them! Ask them questions about what they think on the issue. Listen to their thoughts.
My last piece of advice is to talk about issues. Talk to your teens. Don’t dodge topics on sex, alcohol/drugs, or other difficult conversations. If you do, you are losing a chance to ensure they are making sound decisions. And start early…These issues are not beginning at ages 15 and 16 anymore. They are beginning in the preteens. Ages that, in my time, you never talked about it. They are being pressured before puberty hits sometimes. Once again, this just shows how much we are failing our young people when their once young ages were only worried about Barbie dolls and transformers, and now they are already hit with information about sex and drugs.
This post is not meant to discourage you but to wake you up to these issues. Be the parent! Take control of the direction your children are driving towards. Don’t say to yourself: “it’s her phone and she has it locked”; “I don’t know the password to her FB page and he has me blocked”; “they stay in their rooms with the door closed”. No excuses, take control before someone else does and you lose them to the things you want to prevent.
We have to fight for our children so they can live strong adult lives. We have to advocate for their needs. Let’s do this together.
WHY COUNSELING?
I have spent time counseling many different people in different socioeconomic statuses. Individuals who have varying cultural beliefs and needs. I have counseled individuals and families who are wholeheartedly involved in the process and see varying degrees of positive results, and I’ve worked with others who are on the opposite end of that spectrum. Your attitude about the counseling process does affect your outcome.
So what is counseling?
1. Counseling is a process of give and take. You give of your deepest worries, regrets, beliefs, struggles, fears, problems…. When you give of these things seeking relief, what you get back is support and understanding, empathy, compassion. Counselors aren’t there to do the work for you though. We aren’t there to give you advice and tell you how to handle each issue that you are dealing with. Counselors are there to support you through the process of finding your way of resolving the conflicts you face in a healthy manner. I find the majority of people know the answer, they are just too afraid or lack the skills to change their circumstances or patterns. Yes, even children and teenagers often know how to resolve things in their own way, they just need someone to back them up. When you approach counseling in this way, you get a sense of peace and understanding of your inner self.
2. Sometimes it just helps to have someone on the outside looking in. When you’ve tried over and over again to solve a situation with no success, it’s helpful to speak with someone who can be objective. Someone who does not know you or your family/friends personally. When we talk to family members or good friends about our problems, they have a personal agenda already…that’s YOU or themselves. They are there to protect you or themselves. A counselor doesn’t gain from your problems in any way other than seeing you successfully find solutions. We aren’t there to judge your actions, degrade your decisions, or jump on the bandwagon of tearing down someone who has wronged you. We are there to listen….just listen…and allow you to process what is happening in your life and focus on solutions to change what you are unhappy about. I once had a teen who said to me matter of factly “Everyone needs counseling!” She was not worried about others knowing she saw a counselor. As a matter of fact, I think she was proud of herself for her work and dedication to change.
Why Should You Seek Counseling?
1. The stress in your life is beginning to affect your ability to make good decisions. It’s affecting your family…there is tension in the home around you. Everyone is walking on eggshells per say. Your family is acting out due to your stress…children are more clingy/aggressive, parents are arguing over the child’s behavior, one parent is siding with the child while the other is struggling to connect, there is high conflict in the home. Your work ethic is disintegrating due to burnout, fatigue, lack of motivation because you have so many other stressors pushing you down, or maybe your home life is disintegrating because the only relief you find is at work.
2. You or your child is engaging in self destructive behavior through the use of drugs/alcohol, sexual behavior, aggression, or self-harm.
3. No one seems to understand what you are going through, and you feel alone and lost. You worry that your life will always be this way. You find little meaning or direction in your life.
4. Your child/teen’s behavior has suddenly changed. Grades are dropping, they are no longer interested in sports or activities they used to love. They can’t maintain their attention in school. Maybe they are acting out behaviorally at school. They have few to no friends.
5. You are experiencing suicidal thoughts. If this is the case, please contact your local crisis line. Seek help immediately. There are several hotlines that you can call and just talk to someone.
1-800-273-TALK (8255),
National Hopeline Network
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433
Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline
630-482-9696 Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week http://www.spsamerica.org
There are many reasons to seek counseling. It’s never too late to seek help, and it’s never too early. I would encourage you to take the step if it’s something you’ve been contemplating. Don’t wait until life spirals out of your control and you lose relationships that are most valuable to you. If you feel your child may need counseling, seek someone when you begin contemplating this. Often times parents worry their teen or child will not talk to a counselor because they don’t talk to them, but if you find the right counselor they will open up about what is going on in their life. I find teens are often relieved to finally have someone to listen to them and not lecture them about their poor choices. They are often the quickest to talk in my experience.
You will never regret seeking help, but you may regret never asking for help.